People can easily use the word “Depressed” but actually they are not quiet there yet, and I am sure you definitely don’t want to be part of this mess. I struggle to share this because I don’t know what will happened after this. Aaaaa...Do I have to do this? I asked God over and over. Finally, He showed me the reason why – If God can pick me up from this valley, He can and He will do the same to you, or even more. So here is my message for those who are suffering with depression right now. Let God take over you and heal you.
Listen.
I believed I can achieve any goal as long as I put my full effort in it. I believed I should be initiative enough so that people will take me seriously. It was all about me, myself and I. Sometimes I enjoyed being the center of attention, well who didn’t? On top of that, I considered myself as happy go lucky type of person. Oh yeah…
Back then my life was simple. I was surrounded by good bunch of friends, no academic problem, nothing at all. I was actively involved in all kinds of activities, carrying the “Look at Me” attitude. Simple life huh? Well, at least I thought it was...
Everything went on nicely until I was away from home to KL. It was the beginning of my worst nightmare. I felt like a complete stranger to this new environment. I thought I was adventurous enough and strong enough. I THOUGHT. You see how our mind can trick us sometimes? Perhaps you think I should be happy about having new life in new place. I THOUGHT I was happy…BUT…
First of all I didn’t know how to response to all the changes around me. I felt reluctant to ask for help, so I continued to suppress my feelings and moved on. I was sensitive to friends around me, I was everything you need but not necessarily what I need. I felt insecure. I wanted more attention…MORE!!~
Second of all I covered up my weaknesses so that people love me as a friend that I thought they would want to love. I was quiet, easily persuaded. But people know me as a friend who is approachable, kind hearted? Erm…you name it. My point is, I may look good from the outside, but my heart was so rotten.
However, the more I ran away from the problem and covered it up, the bigger it became. It finally ruptured and I was all over the place. Most important part was, I was sick. Mentally and spiritually sick. I was so afraid to sleep at night, I was so afraid that somehow I’ll sleep walking and hurt myself. When I was crossing the road, I had a sudden rush to go against the car. I lost my appetite. I’ll get panic attack easily and somehow I heard someone was asking me to go away from the crowd and be alone. It was that bad.
But nope I didn’t hurt myself. That was really something amazing from God – He protected me and led me into prayer. One name came across my mind, and I looked for her. I stayed with her, talked everything out to her. She cried with me. For the first time, I completely let go of myself and bared it all. She prayed with me, and I remember she was singing a song to me. I couldn’t stop crying. Tears washed away my burden. She left me in her room, asking me to continue praying and spending time with Him, talking to Him, or even reading the His Word. I was alone with God in the room. As I read the Bible, God spoke to me, “It was you. It was you yourself.” All of the sudden, I realized that I was the problem. It was all coming back to me. I wanted the whole world but it didn’t go as I planned but I blames everyone for it. I was so so wrong!!~ I MADE THAT ALL UP. Oh dear…what have I done?
I knelt down, and repent. I told my parents about it. I seek medical advices and started medication. All these happened 4 years back. Looking back, it was a definitely a bumpy road but God’s grace is enough for me each day. I still remember the very moment I knelt down and prayed for repentance, I felt relieved. There wasn’t any condemnation from God, just peace. I knew I was wrong, but I also knew that somehow I will be okay. I was once again, amazed by His grace.
He is willing to forgive, when we are willing to tell Him our mistakes – repentance.
Today, I am free from medication and walk out freely from depression. All glory to God. I cannot do this without Him. His love, forgiveness, His grace…everything about Him fills me up again with hope. I was hopeless before and now I am full of hope by His grace. “It is not how you run away from the rain, but how you dance under the rain.” Life gets harder but God gets even stronger in my heart.
My dear friend, are you going through some stuff in your life? Are you slowly isolating yourself from the crowd? Are you suffering from depression and having some bad thoughts in your mind? Do you feel helpless about your life? Are you hiding your true feelings away and try to solve it on your own? Are you feeling like you are not good enough for people around you, or even God?
“What can you do when your good isn’t good enough,
And all that you’ve touched tumbles down.
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just want to fix it somehow.
But how many times will it take?
How many times will it take for me?
To get it right?”
- “Get it Right” by Glee
Are you trying to fix your life but things just not getting right? And you are tired of fighting this battle alone? Are you about to give up?
Please don’t. Life is worth living and God has a much bigger plan for you. He is more than willing to walk this bumpy road with you and guide you to His perfect plan, specially designed for you. When we are in a terrible mess, God is willing to stay by your side, and make things right. Why not open up ourselves to Him and say a little prayer to Him today?
Dedicate this song to you, “Get it right” by Glee. Let God fix your life, and see that He has a lot to bless you and your future.
Be blessed.
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