13 hours flight, 40kg++ stuff and here I am in UK. How’s that feel? Well, I had a serious jet lag, I was terribly homesick, no familiar faces, no more char kuew teow and longtime favourite Teh C. Checked in to hostel, registered to university and reported myself to the course, went through the whole orientation programme, saw my final year coursemates. But NOTHING fills my empty heart. I wanna go back to Malaysia so badly. What fills it in then? Fear, loneliness, self-pity…finally, I broke into tears. I called home, I just cried. Will I be able to make it through? Why am I here? Why must I go through this? Why am I putting myself in all of these? As if I am in a really miserable situation right now. The moment I walk down the street, my heart just drop to the bottom. I don’t belong here. I am trying to stay positive, but the truth is - it’s just harder than I thought.
40kg++ stuff doesn’t help much either, 3 different brand of instant coffee and tea is the only Malaysian Food that I can bring, the rest?? Winter clothing, some toiletries, not more than 10 pieces of normal clothing, 2 hand bags, 1 pair of sandals, and sport shoe. Travel Light? IT IS HEAVY MY DEAR…
What was added on to the luggage was my own fear: I know it’ll be great, but how about the worst? I’ve put in a lot of “how about” into my luggage bag. I feel restless, I can’t sleep well, I asked my mum, “Am I normal? This is normal but painful process before everyone going through the next step?” I was clueless.
Friends were asking me, “How are you? Everything is fine with you?”
To be honest, my answer is kind of disappointed. I often said “Yes, I am good. I love the scenery.” Sorry my friends. The truth is, I am still in the process of culture shock-ing, adapting, crying, complaining, blaming here and there…It was an eye opening experiences, but everything was started in a painful way. Ouch~~ But yes, I do love the scenery very much and that’s the only answer I have at the moment.
“How am I going to cope with this?”
“Guide me, Lord”
And the I saw this,
"You Can Never Cross the Ocean Unless You Have the Courage to Lose Sight of the Shore"
-by Christopher Columbus
Pierce right into my heart.
I am focusing on what is not supposed to be worried about. I forgot that God has better things for me in life. This happens to me all the time. I always forget that God will guide me through and I should never worry about tomorrow, I always encourage people around to stay positive but crying myself in the room, I always forget that I am a human with feelings too.
“Lord, please remind me each time that You are God in my life”
God never fail to do that. Whenever I was in trouble, He is there reminding me something important – He is God. It has to happen in a painful way so that I know; His way is always higher than my way. I should always look to Him, find peace in Him and rest in His Arms.
So happened to walk around and saw Band of Royal Marines playing “Amazing Grace”. I was amazed, it was like a surprised from a father to a child wanting something so badly. When I was busy looking at my own problem, He told me, “Exchange with Me, give Me your burden, and rest in Me.”
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
And then I saw something which amazed me even more,
See the rainbow??~
It always reminds me of the covenant God made with us. It gives me extra strength to move on.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My Righteous Right Hand."
- Isaiah 41:10
God is the only One who can see beyond what I can or cannot do, with Him to walk this journey with me, that's a blessing to me. God sees what is ahead of me and willing to guide me through the oceans when I have so much fear of losing the sight of the shore. What more can i say?
All glory to God.
Amen.
By,
Word n Music
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