Moments

Handed in my last 3 assignments, packed my bag and went to London for 3 days.

Sharing a dorm with other back packers, with a map and travel card – that was my London trip.

When I was happily taking photos of big ben, here comes a bunch of people surrounding me and my friends, trying to give us flowers and asking for donation. We were not allowed to give coins, only paper money. Next, we were approached by another group of people wearing royal costume, trying to persuade us to take picture, and of course, asking money from us. We gave the first group, not the later. So, to warn you who are visiting England, do not accept anything from strangers and say no to any type of donation when you feel uneasy about it.

Do I feel angry about it? Yes…definitely.

Later we heard from a friend her experience about being cheated by landlord. Obviously our case was comparatively less serious than hers.

Do I feel relieve about it after all? No…cheating is cheating, it doesn’t matter how big the amount is.

Overall it was an eye opening experience to me.  

***

I shifted to another hall a month ago

I realize that cooking is a good way to release stress

I learn that it is okay to ask for help

I accept it when people refuse to help. It just simply means I have to figure out some other ways on my own.

It is okay to say no when I don’t feel right about it.

I know who to turn to when I have problems.

I know how to manage to my emotions.

Most importantly, I am learning to acknowledge my moments – happiness, sadness, bitterness…

I cried more than ever when I am here compare to KL.

I refuse to be perfect, because no one is.

I stop trying to be one, because I know where my “Exit” sign is.

It seems like I have a life over here.  

That is something I never know I can do.

***

When I am filled with myself, God cannot come into my life.

That’s where I lost my way to the “Exit” sign.

“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?”   

- Luke 9:25

God wants my real emotions, not how well I can hide them from others.

He wants me to ask Him for direction, not how well I can survive without Him.

When I know I have God behind my back, I have the strength to go through tough times.

“The second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” 

– Mark 12:31

When I cant get real with myself before God, I am torturing myself.

So friends, stop torturing and start forgiving yourself.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 

 1 John 4:18

I always have this in my mind - God is holding my hands tight no matter what.

Similarly, He wants the same from you.

He is there when you are releasing your anger, when you are crying, when you are laughing…

He wants to know the real you.

Give God your moments.

Tell God when you are angry, complain to Him your bitterness…

Don’t forget about Him, He is always there waiting at the exit, waving His Hands to show you the direction.

Live your life with God, let Him peel off your mask and carry your emotions. You don’t have to face the world alone.

God loves us. So start loving yourself today. 

When I know you can take good care of yourself, I have no worries about you taking care of others.

Let me ask you again,

What were your moments with God?

Hm...

Let us not forget about the greatest gift from Heaven, given by the Lord for us today.

Merry Christmas.

By,

Word n Music

The Messy Phase

3 weeks have passed since I got my posting on 10th Nov 2011.
How time flies...
But I'm still in the transition period.
I'm still adjusting myself to this brand new phase of my life;
afterall I had been living sedentary lifestyle in the past 5 months while waiting for my 'love letter'. = D

It was not easy especially for the first 2 weeks.
My brain was not efficient as all.
It was so lazy.
And I wasn't familiar with my new working environment as well as the workflow there,
so I was inefficient and I felt really useless.

I had high expectations on myself.
I was drowned in all the 'don't know's.
I gave myself tremendous pressure.
In just 2 weeks time, my soul was so downcast and I was basically dragging myself to my workplace each day.

Until God spoke to me..
He reminded me that there's a messy phase before things turn out to be beautiful.

Somehow this question came into my mind,
'Have you ever seen a beautiful concrete house appear in an overnight time?'

NO, of course.

Before every beautiful house was fully constructed and renovated,
it definitely needs to go through a messy phase.
A phase where you see cement everywhere;
stacks of red bricks at the sides;
paint spilled here and there;
wiring hanging around visibly, etc.

It's ugly.
It's not beautiful at all.
But it's a MUST.
There's no other way.
This is the process that needed to be gone through in order to reach the beautiful phase.

The same goes to human beings.
In terms of knowledge,
I can't reach the 'expert phase' before I go through this 'don't know phase'.
And for character wise,
God is using this situation and this transition to shape me and mould me into a better person.
A person that resembles Him
and a person that's beautiful in His eyes. = )

I came across this article during a cell group gathering last 2 months.
It goes like this..

A woman was watching a silversmith.
He held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.
He explained that in refining silver,
one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

Then she asked the silversmith,
'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy- WHEN I SEE MY IMAGE IN IT.'

So, if you too, are in the same situation as me,
just wanna say, 'Rejoice and press on, for you are on the way to the beautiful phase~~' ; )

Wish you awesome days ahead.
God bless you. = )


By His facilitator


  

Thoughts in my mind

Greetings from UK~:)

One Word.

BUSY!

While I am trying to figure things out, it’s already November. I am here for almost two months. What can I say but TIME JUST FLIES!!~

But one thing always stays in my mind.

I never thought I can be where I am today.

“This is unbelievably true. Am I dreaming?”

***

Man: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

Jesus: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

But we don’t take ‘NO’ as an answer. Don’t you?

Well, especially me.

In a negative way.

That makes me the most insecure person who lives like the sky is going to fall on me anytime.

When I think I am all geared up for something,

God says “NO”

Just in case God says “NO”,

I need a plan B.

As time goes by, I am sinking into working with my plan B rather than seeking His perfect plan for me.

Sounds familiar?

***

God works through you and me.

Step by step,

He is showing you a bigger picture of what He has for you.

He provides you,

and walk with you.

That sounds like a perfect plan.

***

You feel good at first,

A little worry later,

Not feeling so good much later,

You start your own plan.

But God says “NO”

You say, “God, why me?”

***

God says “Knock and the door will be opened.”

I knocked and He said “NO”

The bible says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.”

I tried my very best and yet I failed.

Jesus says, “Come to me all those who are weary and heavy laden, I will give you rest.”

It works for a few hours in the morning and starts worrying again at night.

He says, “My way is higher than your way, My thoughts is higher than your thoughts.”

I ask, “God, what do you want from me?”

Have you ever asked God the same question as I am?

***

I wouldn’t be where I am or do what I am doing today if God opened every door that I’ve knocked.

He has to close some doors so that I can stop and listen to Him – “The best is yet to come”

I wouldn’t know His perfect grace and love until the day I failed Him.

A few hours of peace is enough for me to continue.

He stops me, so that I can talk to Him.

He wants me to ask Him, “What do you want from me.”

Simple,

Your full attention.

***

Before you can face the challenges, He squeezes out all your inequities.

“Like a wart, God needs to squeeze out all my weaknesses out before I can take up the challenges.” (modified from “Facing your giants – Max Lucado”)

And of course,

Pain is the consequences of it.

And He does it with the intention of Love.

***

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?”

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

“Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.”

“Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”

Hebrews 12:7, 11-13

****

“…What he opens, no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.”

Revelation 3:7

***

When God is saying No, He is actually opening another door for you.

and at the same time preparing you to face the challenges after that door.

He is still there with me, as always.

Thank You, Lord.

Amen.

***

by

Word n Music

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT YOURSELF TO SEE?

If our daily activities have been under the surveillance of CCTV,
what do we expect ourselves to see at the end of the 24 hours when we replay it?

Are we going to see a familiar figure that slept most of the time except the time for brunch and dinner?

Or

Someone that stuck his/her eyes on facebook 20 hours a day?

Or

A person that kept playing Angry Bird until he/she got very angry most of the time?

Or

Are we expecting to see somebody who has been 'exercising' his/her index finger on the iPhone or iPad from day to night without interacting with anyone else?

Or

Are we going to someone with a mouth that never shut because he/she has so much to complain as if everyone on the surface of the earth and the Creator of it were in debt to him/her?

And if we were to make it into a movie,
what kind of response shall we anticipate from the audiences?

Are we going to find them dozing off?
Or will we find them being attentive right from the beginning all the way to the end;
with loud applause coming along the way?

Well, why am I writing this?
To condemn people that sleep, eat and play Angry Bird?
Or to discrimintate facebook, iPhone and iPad users?

ABSOLUTELY NOOOOO!!!

That's not my intention at all.

The fact is while waiting for my posting for months (since end of May until now),
I found myself wasting my time and my life away.

I have not been making good use of the abundant time that I had.
For the first few months I was occupied with some stuff,
but for the recent month, I was lost.

I didn't manage my time well and I know I hadn't fulfilled the purpose that my Creator had for my life.
The sense of fulfillment was so distant from me.

Until I was led to a book written by John C. Maxwell titled TODAY MATTERS.
That was the book I needed the most at this point of time.
It reminded me the value of TODAY.

"Your greatest possesion is the twenty-four hours you have directly ahead of you.
How will you spend it?
Will you give in to pressure or focus on priorities?
Will you allow pointless e-mails, unimportant tasks, telemarketers, interruptions,
and other distractions to consume your day?
Or will you take complete responsibility for how you spend your time,
take control of the things you can,
and make today yours?
IF YOU DON'T DECIDE HOW YOUR DAY WILL BE SPENT, SOMEONE ELSE WILL."

- Quoted from TODAY MATTERS by John C. Maxwell (emphasis added)  

I was struck by this.
I thank God for using this precious book to awaken me.
Then I began to plan my days well and put them into actions.
And I have begun to embrace the sense of fulfillment once again.

I just want to share this with ya all so that together, we shall evaluate our 'TODAY'.

Are we satisfied with it?
Is our TODAY an inspiring one?
Is our TODAY a fulfilling one?
Have we fulfilled the purpose of being put on earth on this very day?

Can a calculator be used as a phone?
Or a printer to be used as camera?

NOPE.

They were created for their specific functions.
SO ARE WE.

Just like every device, machine or any invention,
you and I were created for a purpose.

And if the calculator has never been used to solve mathematical questions,
it was then created in vain.
Bacause it has never fulfilled what it was intended to be.

If iPhone has fulfilled its purpose by serving the mankind; making people's lives easier,
have we found the purpose of our lives and fulfilled it each day?

Let's take some time to ponder over it.

Ephesians 5:15-17

"See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise,
Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
Therefore do not be unwise,
But understand what the will of the Lord is."

May your TODAYs be awesome ones and may they put a sweet smile on your face as you reflect them at the end of the days. = )


By His facilitator



    

  
  

My days in a different land.

13 hours flight, 40kg++ stuff and here I am in UK. How’s that feel? Well, I had a serious jet lag, I was terribly homesick, no familiar faces, no more char kuew teow and longtime favourite Teh C. Checked in to hostel, registered to university and reported myself to the course, went through the whole orientation programme, saw my final year coursemates. But NOTHING fills my empty heart. I wanna go back to Malaysia so badly. What fills it in then? Fear, loneliness, self-pity…finally, I broke into tears. I called home, I just cried. Will I be able to make it through? Why am I here? Why must I go through this? Why am I putting myself in all of these? As if I am in a really miserable situation right now. The moment I walk down the street, my heart just drop to the bottom. I don’t belong here. I am trying to stay positive, but the truth is - it’s just harder than I thought.

40kg++ stuff doesn’t help much either, 3 different brand of instant coffee and tea is the only Malaysian Food that I can bring, the rest?? Winter clothing, some toiletries, not more than 10 pieces of normal clothing, 2 hand bags, 1 pair of sandals, and sport shoe. Travel Light? IT IS HEAVY MY DEAR…

What was added on to the luggage was my own fear: I know it’ll be great, but how about the worst? I’ve put in a lot of “how about” into my luggage bag. I feel restless, I can’t sleep well, I asked my mum, “Am I normal? This is normal but painful process before everyone going through the next step?” I was clueless.

Friends were asking me, “How are you? Everything is fine with you?”

To be honest, my answer is kind of disappointed. I often said “Yes, I am good. I love the scenery.” Sorry my friends. The truth is, I am still in the process of culture shock-ing, adapting, crying, complaining, blaming here and there…It was an eye opening experiences, but everything was started in a painful way. Ouch~~ But yes, I do love the scenery very much and that’s the only answer I have at the moment.

“How am I going to cope with this?”

“Guide me, Lord”

And the I saw this,

‎"You Can Never Cross the Ocean Unless You Have the Courage to Lose Sight of the Shore" 

-by Christopher Columbus

Pierce right into my heart.

I am focusing on what is not supposed to be worried about. I forgot that God has better things for me in life. This happens to me all the time. I always forget that God will guide me through and I should never worry about tomorrow, I always encourage people around to stay positive but crying myself in the room, I always forget that I am a human with feelings too.

“Lord, please remind me each time that You are God in my life”

God never fail to do that. Whenever I was in trouble, He is there reminding me something important – He is God. It has to happen in a painful way so that I know; His way is always higher than my way. I should always look to Him, find peace in Him and rest in His Arms.

So happened to walk around and saw Band of Royal Marines playing “Amazing Grace”. I was amazed, it was like a surprised from a father to a child wanting something so badly. When I was busy looking at my own problem, He told me, “Exchange with Me, give Me your burden, and rest in Me.”

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

And then I saw something which amazed me even more,

See the rainbow??~

It always reminds me of the covenant God made with us. It gives me extra strength to move on.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My Righteous Right Hand."

- Isaiah 41:10

God is the only One who can see beyond what I can or cannot do, with Him to walk this journey with me, that's a blessing to me. God sees what is ahead of me and willing to guide me through the oceans when I have so much fear of losing the sight of the shore. What more can i say?

All glory to God.

Amen.

By,

Word n Music

diRtY IcE CubE, anyone?

Last year, I celebrated my birthday with my family in a restaurant back in my hometown.

While waiting for the dishes to be served,

my 2-year-old niece was playing with an ice cube.

She then accidentally dropped the ice cube on the floor (the floor is very dirty as many people had walked on it).

But she wanted to pick that ice cube up and play again.

Of course my sister had to stop her from doing that because it was so dirty.

But she cried and insisted that she wanted that piece of dirty ice cube.

My sis told her, “I'll give you a new one, wipe your hand first.”

She still kept crying because she hadn't seen the new one and hence she couldn't believe what my sister had said.

Then finally she stopped crying after my sister gave her a new and clean ice cube to play. = )

Our relationship with God is somehow like a parent and a child.

We can't see what is the best for us.

We always thought that the one we wanted is the only one available and it is the best.

We might say,

“God, I want XX/YY to be my boyfriend or girlfriend.

He or she is the best for me.

Why? Why You allowed him/her to be attached to someone else?? Why????”

Are you sure he/she is the best for you?

You may say ‘Yes’ when you are 15,

but how about 10 or 20 years down the road?

Can you still be sure about that?

Will you still be attracted by the guy or gal that is mere handsome or pretty;

that only can say “I love you” with words but not in action?

Will you still choose to be with the one that is ‘fun to be with’ but not providing or care for you and your children? = )

Or…

“God, surely You know that I needed this job.

You know that I have been unemployed for months.

I needed it badly and I thought it suited me.

The job description sounded interesting and most importantly, the pay is good.

But why??? Why You let the boss employ someone else instead of me????”   

You know what, God might give you something way better than you can ever imagine.

Someone close to me once applied to be an English teacher in a primary school,

but she received no news from the school.

She was in her 6-month pregnancy at that point of time.

She needed a job badly.

She asked me in despair, “Why didn’t God open the door? I really wish to get the job…”

I told her, “because He has something better for you. = )”

True enough, she got a job as a lecturer in a renowned university when she was in her 7-month pregnancy. (2 more months to her due date)

Isn’t HE amazing?! ; )

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts.”

Romans 8:32

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

If He has given His Son for us, definitely He will never withhold something/someone that's best for us. = )

God always has something so much better for us, it's just that we haven't seen it and we find it really hard to believe that.

Just like my sister, He wouldn't give us the 'ice cube' if it's dirty,

He will surely give us a new and clean one. = )

It's on the way~~

Matthew 7:11

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

I always feel very assured after reading these verses.

May you be blessed and encouraged by His Words and Promises, too. ; )

By His facilitator

Realize Your Dream

Sorry for keeping you all waiting. I am recently working on some stuff such as…having a wonderful holiday with friends??!!~~Woohoo..we had a great time and it was definitely a much needed break after all. Hm…what are the other stuffs then? Well, I am going to keep you all guessing until September. Haha…

*****

Just attended an installation dinner hold by my friend 2 months ago, and the theme of the night was “Realize Your Dreams”. Her speech impacted me so much that those three words just stuck in my head. Seriously. She was sharing with us the process of realizing her dreams and how she was seeing them came to pass. Wow, that makes me wondering how much had I done to make my dreams come true. But before I even realize it, God has it planned for me. All I can say is, “Thank You, Lord.”

*****

How often have we put aside our dreams because the circumstances don’t allow us to do so? And as time goes by we just forget about it and move on with our life, and hopefully our children can make our dreams come true. When I saw my friend, she looks radiant!! I just feel like I can get a little bit of hers by going near her. She is so passionate about what she is doing and she is definitely living the moments. Yes, she loves it because that’s her dream. She is living her dream. I mean she is still busy, her schedule is packed, meetings after meetings, people might crush her spirit and things might get rough on her, but she is enjoying every moment of it, this is how I feel about her. I just want a piece from her.

One of my favourite quotes: “You can only find a real partner when you are strong enough to stand against all odds.” People want to get near you, because you are strong most of the times. But being that kind of person can be really lonely. It is not easy to stand against all odds, alone. It’s like you are leading the way and people are following behind you. Every mistakes you make, they come to you first. But they might not appreciate your effort in doing the right thing. Well, my friend has that kind of charisma in attracting good partner. My best wishes to you.

*****

I was definitely being taken out from my comfort zone and God has been guiding me as always, in making my dreams come true. But one thing He wants from me, “You must ask.”

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” - Luke 11:9-10

It pretty much tells the exact situation I am in right now - I am learning to ask, to seek and to knock. In other words, I am in the process of realizing my dreams. What is my dream? What am I suppose to do about it? Who should I look for? Which one is better? And…all by myself? Oh wow…I bang a few walls for that.

Every step I’ve made, God brought me closer to my dream. Along the process I asked God, “Why is it so hard for me to choose the best thing for myself?” and He says, “Because you wont be happy by choosing what you think is best for you.” True enough – God’s way is higher than my way. Once I hit that moment, everything started to fall into the right place. I know whatever comes my way I know I can figure it out and solve it. Because I can always turn to the Strong Mighty Tower: to ask, to seek and to knock.

So often we forgot that Jesus Christ is the only person who can stand against all odds. We want to follow Him because He is the answer to everything we have. Once we get it right with God, we know, we have the strength to move on. It’s like a silent YES from God saying to you, “You are on the right track, child. Move on.” Are you ready to His partner today?

A few moments that I wanted to share because it really made my days. As I went to Kuala Lumpur to do my visa, it was still raining even the moment I was boarding the airplane. It never happened the past 4 years when I was studying in KL. I waited 2 hours in the Visa Department for my turn to just summit my documents and fingerprints done in just 20 minutes. I spent 6 hours in Airport for my next flight and I get so blurred that I went off the crowd walking alone to the other end of the airplane. I heard someone shouting at me to go back to the crowd. Embarrassing!!~

*****

Well, after all, I spent a nice weekend on my coach watching “So You think You can Dance. One guy caught my eyes. He is a contemporary dancer coming from one of the most dangerous city in the World – Brooklyn, New York. He was forced to be matured at young age because of his background. Nothing glamorous about his life and with his passion in dancing, he was pushed away even more by his neighbourhood. He has to fight to stay and pursue dancing. He went from an undiscipline child to a real dancer on stage. His name is Adechike, an African name with a meaning of “Royal power of God”. His passion wasn’t accepted by his community, but not God. God honoured it and making it real for Adechike.

“If the idea isn’t absurd, it has no hope at all – by Elbert Einstein.”

What is your dream today? Or how far have you achieve your dream today? Or you are still in the process of finding you dreams? Well, I am still worry about my visa, how well can I adapt to the new environment, will I be able to make it through, what is my next plan after that…You probably have the same worries as I am. But one thing for sure, expects something more than spending 2 hours to finish visa application or 6 hours for next flight. More people will come and crush your spirit but at the same time, much much more people are helping you to get near to your dream. So don’t give up on your dream.

“God will send the rain when He is ready, and you need to prepare your field to receive it.”
   - Facing the Giant

Are you preparing your field today? If you don’t have one, you always know Who to turn to. 

“And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.”                               - Joel 2:28

It is a promise from God.

Be blessed.

Amen.


p/s: A little hint on where I am about to go – It has a lot to do with Malaysia but I am not doing it in Malaysia. Hahaha…


By

Word n Music

Have You Ever Seen a Complete Road Map on The Road Signboard?

I have never.

I could only see a few directions along the way from time to time. = )

I have just finished my studies.
Left the place where I was 'stuck' in for the past 5 years.
Leaving behind a bunch of close friends as well as the ministry that I was familiar with.

Back in my hometown now.
Waiting for posting.
I don't know when I will be receiving the letter;
I don't know where I will be posted to.
The uncertainties were testing my patience.
I was eager to know what's God's next plan for my life.

I want to know where He would place me.
I want to know how He wants me to serve Him in this new phase of my life.
I want to know whether I get to stay close with my family.
I WANT TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE.
But everything is a question mark.
I was anxious. I was restless. I was unhappy.

Just when everyone else was enjoying their holidays,
I was struggling with my own impatience.

Until I came across a verse,

Proverbs 16:20

"... And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he."

This verse somehow reminded me that I don't have to know the future to be happy,
all that I need to do is just to TRUST in the LORD.

Just like being a driver, 
I have never seen a complete road map on the road signboard.
If I don't know the way and I have no GPS or whatever map with me,
all that I could do is to depend on the road signboard that appear along the way from time to time to take me to my destination.

The same goes for our lives. 
We could never see the whole course of our lives.
All that we need to do is just to trust in the LORD in every single step we take,
for He would guide us and direct our steps along the way as we seek Him and trust in Him. = )

I love this quote that was being shared by one of my pastors,

*If you don't know where you are heading to on a pitch-dark road,
just trust in the LIGHT that brightens 100 metre of the path that lies ahead of you.
It will reveal the route to you bit by bit and eventually your destination.*  = )

Right now, I just want to make the most out of every present moment of my life that He gifted me at the same time trusting Him for my future. = )  



by His facilitator

Depression

A heavy topic, but I guess most of us have had it at some point of our life, whether or not we realize it. Me too. Shocking news? Aha…Never say Never…

People can easily use the word “Depressed” but actually they are not quiet there yet, and I am sure you definitely don’t want to be part of this mess. I struggle to share this because I don’t know what will happened after this. Aaaaa...Do I have to do this? I asked God over and over. Finally, He showed me the reason why – If God can pick me up from this valley, He can and He will do the same to you, or even more. So here is my message for those who are suffering with depression right now. Let God take over you and heal you.

Listen.

I believed I can achieve any goal as long as I put my full effort in it. I believed I should be initiative enough so that people will take me seriously. It was all about me, myself and I. Sometimes I enjoyed being the center of attention, well who didn’t? On top of that, I considered myself as happy go lucky type of person. Oh yeah…

Back then my life was simple. I was surrounded by good bunch of friends, no academic problem, nothing at all. I was actively involved in all kinds of activities, carrying the “Look at Me” attitude. Simple life huh? Well, at least I thought it was...

Everything went on nicely until I was away from home to KL. It was the beginning of my worst nightmare. I felt like a complete stranger to this new environment. I thought I was adventurous enough and strong enough. I THOUGHT. You see how our mind can trick us sometimes? Perhaps you think I should be happy about having new life in new place. I THOUGHT I was happy…BUT…

First of all I didn’t know how to response to all the changes around me. I felt reluctant to ask for help, so I continued to suppress my feelings and moved on. I was sensitive to friends around me, I was everything you need but not necessarily what I need. I felt insecure. I wanted more attention…MORE!!~

Second of all I covered up my weaknesses so that people love me as a friend that I thought they would want to love. I was quiet, easily persuaded. But people know me as a friend who is approachable, kind hearted? Erm…you name it. My point is, I may look good from the outside, but my heart was so rotten.

However, the more I ran away from the problem and covered it up, the bigger it became. It finally ruptured and I was all over the place. Most important part was, I was sick. Mentally and spiritually sick. I was so afraid to sleep at night, I was so afraid that somehow I’ll sleep walking and hurt myself. When I was crossing the road, I had a sudden rush to go against the car. I lost my appetite. I’ll get panic attack easily and somehow I heard someone was asking me to go away from the crowd and be alone. It was that bad.

But nope I didn’t hurt myself. That was really something amazing from God – He protected me and led me into prayer. One name came across my mind, and I looked for her. I stayed with her, talked everything out to her. She cried with me. For the first time, I completely let go of myself and bared it all. She prayed with me, and I remember she was singing a song to me. I couldn’t stop crying. Tears washed away my burden. She left me in her room, asking me to continue praying and spending time with Him, talking to Him, or even reading the His Word. I was alone with God in the room. As I read the Bible, God spoke to me, “It was you. It was you yourself.” All of the sudden, I realized that I was the problem. It was all coming back to me. I wanted the whole world but it didn’t go as I planned but I blames everyone for it. I was so so wrong!!~ I MADE THAT ALL UP. Oh dear…what have I done?

I knelt down, and repent. I told my parents about it. I seek medical advices and started medication. All these happened 4 years back. Looking back, it was a definitely a bumpy road but God’s grace is enough for me each day. I still remember the very moment I knelt down and prayed for repentance, I felt relieved. There wasn’t any condemnation from God, just peace. I knew I was wrong, but I also knew that somehow I will be okay. I was once again, amazed by His grace.

He is willing to forgive, when we are willing to tell Him our mistakes – repentance.

Today, I am free from medication and walk out freely from depression. All glory to God. I cannot do this without Him. His love, forgiveness, His grace…everything about Him fills me up again with hope. I was hopeless before and now I am full of hope by His grace. “It is not how you run away from the rain, but how you dance under the rain.” Life gets harder but God gets even stronger in my heart.

My dear friend, are you going through some stuff in your life? Are you slowly isolating yourself from the crowd? Are you suffering from depression and having some bad thoughts in your mind? Do you feel helpless about your life? Are you hiding your true feelings away and try to solve it on your own? Are you feeling like you are not good enough for people around you, or even God?

“What can you do when your good isn’t good enough,
    And all that you’ve touched tumbles down.
   Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just want to fix it somehow.
   But how many times will it take? 
   How many times will it take for me?
   To get it right?”

- “Get it Right” by Glee

Are you trying to fix your life but things just not getting right? And you are tired of fighting this battle alone? Are you about to give up?

Please don’t. Life is worth living and God has a much bigger plan for you. He is more than willing to walk this bumpy road with you and guide you to His perfect plan, specially designed for you. When we are in a terrible mess, God is willing to stay by your side, and make things right. Why not open up ourselves to Him and say a little prayer to Him today? 

Dedicate this song to you, “Get it right” by Glee. Let God fix your life, and see that He has a lot to bless you and your future.

Be blessed.